you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Is it penis luge time yet?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
