the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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