Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Enjoy the penises
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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