if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
