It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize