life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
