He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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