I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
