If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
