Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
