Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
