i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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