Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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