I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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