my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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