he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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