you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
