My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize