You were right. It hurts to walk today.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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