sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
