in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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