sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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