I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
