At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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