words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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