we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
