A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
sex in a hospital.. check
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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