after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
