WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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