the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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