I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
