your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
