my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
