new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
