Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
