You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
