My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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