the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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