So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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