if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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