I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
