My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
