First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
