That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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