i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
