she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize