They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize