census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
