remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
