Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
