Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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