I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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