Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
