I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
