hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
