she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
