I can text with my tongue
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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