Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
