you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
